if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
