Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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