in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
