So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
