i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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