Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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