That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
