i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
