he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
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I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
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Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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