I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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