I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
