I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
