Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
