My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
