The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
