I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.