everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.