i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule