She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
