Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
