tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
