I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
