They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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