I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch