Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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