rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
