It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
