3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
