By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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