I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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