please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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