fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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