I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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