She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
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I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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