Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
