Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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