What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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