Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
