i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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