We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
