Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
