Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
