i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
