woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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