Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
