So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
