Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
