BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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