Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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