Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
