Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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