highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
