It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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