I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
