like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
