I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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