I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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