I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
