the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
