Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
