I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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